It's been a blustery spring here, lots of clouds scudding and billowing, bonafide sleet, breaks of glorious sunshine, days where the sky felt like it could suffocate you if you weren't careful.
I've been suffocating myself...my emotions keeping apace of the weather.
Some phases in life feel profoundly bipolar and this is one for me. I know you go through those times...I was thinking about the Buddhist perspective of thoughts being clouds passing and realizing that my skies were a mass of clouds, stagnant and brooding.
The universe throws strange serendipities at us, iron fists in velvet gloves.
I struggle, like you, to evolve, to be a better human, to expand into my life in self-awareness and well-motivated action and then always realize how limited I am, how limited I am, how narrow, how constricted, how small I am and always just when I thought I was getting somewhere. I discover how wrong I am. Well, not wrong...but even a giant step brings the mountain imperceptibly closer, and that can sting. The imperceptibility of it, I mean, when we feel we are making great strides.
I hurt and annoy people. I don't mean to. I ask too much of people. I don't mean to. I don't share enough with people...that's purposeful, but I don't think it is leading to a rewarding life.
I think most of us don't grow up in an environment that leaves us "well-adjusted", and the bizarre mechanisms we drag into adulthood that worked in our sickness now keep us sick.
I am tired of being sick in my spirit, when spirit only wants to soar, to thrive, to exemplify itself.
Even in our ugliness, we stretch eagerly toward beatitude.
There was calm before the storm, there will be golden days after...and maybe a modicum of wisdom!